Five Ways Not To Drink An Iced Coffee
You're going to love this one
A few years ago I was telling people my summer aesthetic was a mixture of Emma Chamberlain, Jonah Hill, and Hailey Bieber. This was often followed up with a confused or slightly concerned look. I’d try to explain that my inspo trio seemed like they were always arriving somewhere with snacks or an iced coffee, and I really wanted to harness that energy over the summer. Great observation on my end, thank you — though some will argue otherwise.
Curating the aesthetic is overrated and this is all mostly satirical; but if you’re accessorizing with a drink, or thinking about the branding of it all, here are five ways I think you should not drink an iced coffee.
One: In Private
Seriously what would be the point of this. You’re wearing your most recent Satisfy purchase. Maybe AirPods in. Knocked Loose is playing or some deep podcast you’re a little too into. Knickerbocker tote probably. And for what? To bring your coffee home? No. The coffee shop was the second inning. Take that drink for a spin or camp at a table somewhere. Have yourself a day. This is no shower beer. It’s a public iced coffee for you, and more importantly, for the people.
Two: On Klarna
Just because you can split the $9 latte into four monthly payments doesn’t mean you should.
Three: @ WeWork
You thought it was just iced coffee but the nitro cold brew turned on you. Absolute mid-meeting panic in the phone booth.
Four: Mid crash out
Full transparency this one was courtesy of my sister. The looping is just not worth it. And you know when it’s coming too? Iced coffee mid crash out will always be a mistake. Go for a walk or sit down or do literally anything else.
Five: With your CEO at Coldplay
A few weeks from now we will all have forgotten about this but it’s still funny right now. Chris Martin will find you.
Anyway, none of this really matters. If you’ve made it this far, thanks for supporting Relay. Many exciting things ahead of us. Look out for our next Relay Shared Album.
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