My Recession Indicator Power Rankings for June
Jeezy! Trump wireless! Addison!
Do you feel that, everyone? That thrill of looming world war in the air? I’m not sure which theater I’m going to pick: Middle East (sandy), China (humid), or Russia (freezing). So many pros and cons to each. Let me know where you end up so we can carpool.
Everyone’s out here talking about economic slowdown this and downturn that - I felt it was time to weigh in. My Series 7-certified friend (everyone needs a finance bro on speed dial for moral support) swears we’re gliding into a soft landing. I’m skeptical.
Consider this my humble offering to the discourse: the Recession Indicator Power Rankings for June.
Akon with Jeezy back in the Top 40.
I’m not even mad about this one. A little nostalgia never hurt anyone. Let me set the scene for you: it’s July 2008. I’m sitting in the backseat of my parents’ Ford Expedition, trying to hype myself up for the semi-finals of the AAU basketball tournament my dad is coaching me in. Beats Pros on my head (obviously). What’s my pump-up song of choice? I’m so glad you asked. Put On by Jeezy from the appropriately named album The Recession.
The latest White House side hustle: the gold Trump phone from Trump Mobile
Because why settle for a perfectly functional, moderately overpriced iPhone when you can pay a premium for something gaudier? It’s offering a wireless service for “hard working American’s who deserve a wireless service that reflects their values”. Totally. Call your mom, but make it MAGA. When even our overlords are launching side hustles off the side of their desks, it’s time to lock in.
Kylie Jenner in latex cosplaying as a Blade Runner villain schlepping lip kits.
There I was, minding my own business and scrolling through my Explore page when BAM. There Kylie is. It’s 2012 all over again - when she was at the peak of her power. For a blissful second, it felt like no time had passed at all. I was right back in those early-2010s days when the lip kit waitlists were a cornerstone of the monoculture and boyfriends were dragged to Sephora to save a spot in line. Simpler times.
Labubus.
Because nothing says tomorrow will never come like forking over a few grand for what is, at its core, a slightly less creepy Furby. I’m picturing my grandparents reading this article, and while all most of it would probably read as nonsense to them — Labubus take the cake.
“Grandma, do you remember Beanie Babies? It’s kind of like that, but worse.”
Pitchfork giving Addison Rae an 8.0.
The review’s opening lines pretty much nail it: “In the fall of 2019, the platform [TikTok] offered a system update for the American dream; now all that was required to claim a better, richer life was a phone, some free time, and a willingness to perform air traffic control dances with a smile.”
Art is supposed to be downstream of culture, and if that’s true, culture is saying it’s time to dust off those corded headphones and order a vodka Red Bull.
The Army’s 250th birthday parade sponsored by Coinbase.
Ah yes, nothing inspires confidence in the stability of a superpower like celebrating its military with a float sponsored by a crypto exchange that’s been subpoenaed more than Sean Spicer. Breathe it in, kids — that’s the sweet, sweet scent of late-stage capitalism.
Klarna and Visa’s “Buy Now, Pay Later” debit card.
Read that sentence again. A debit card. The whole point of a debit card is that you spend money you have. And now the geniuses at Klarna have decided that, no, you shouldn’t let that tiny technicality stand between you and financing your Target run. I’ve been screaming this from the rooftops for months, but please: don’t put your groceries on a payment plan. SMH.
Bob Dylan doing the voice-over for Machine Gun Kelly’s album trailer.
There’s securing the bag, and then there’s this. Bob Dylan: Nobel laureate, counterculture icon, voice of a generation… MGK collaborator. I respect the hustle, I really do. I just didn’t realize even The Bard was checking the couch cushions for loose change.
Gen Z closing their bar tabs.
To the dismay of bartenders everywhere, Gen Z refuses to keep their tab open. Even if they’re going back for another drink, they insist on starting a new ticket. I get it - we’re fighting back on tipping culture and the default 20% is steep - but remember the days of leaving your card at the counter? Miss that. The by-line of the article is gold: "Someone needs to bully these people”.
Happy Monday crew - Godspeed building share-holder value this week. Get after it.
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Labubu downfall when